THE NINCOMPOOP

The Nincompoop, Who can understand his ways

He whines about bad leadership but still votes for the same person.

She squawks about corruption and yet gives her body to get a job.

He complains about tribalism but wouldn't vote for someone outside his own tribe.

She rumbles about how all men are cheaters as she sleeps with a married man.

He breaks other people’s relationship and gets surprised when someone runs off with his girlfriend.

She is ready to be a second wife to a ‘faithful man’ (who won’t even introduce her as his wife) because all men are players.

He is very incompetent at his job but still laments about how he has a bad boss.

She expects to be treated like a queen yet she behaves like trash.

He demands to be respected and treated like a prince, yet he does not provide for his family and drinks himself to death.

She is bitter with all men because one guy broke her heart.

He follows after every dimple he sees and wonders why he can’t have a stable relationship.

She flirts with a guy for days and wonders why he is catching feelings.

He sleeps with everything in a skirt and expects to marry the proverbs 31 woman.

She thinks God is an ATM machine you only go to see Him when you are broke.

The Nincompoop, who can understand her ways?

DATING TIPS FROM KIDS

Henny Youngman said, "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." However, we got a bunch of kids to reveal the secrets and this is what they had to say;

How do you decide who to marry? 

1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming- Alan,aged 10 (wise, this one)

2. No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,and you get to find out later who you're stuck with - Kirsten, age 10

What is the right time to get married?

1. Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-Camille, age 10

2. No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.-Freddie, age 6 (what? parents please, don't discuss your marriage squabbles in-front of your kids.)

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

1.You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.-Derrick, age 8 (lol)

What do most people do on a date?

1. Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.-Lynnette, age 8

2. On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.-Martin, age 10 (A player in the making )

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

1. I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.- Craig, age 9

When is the right time to kiss someone?

1. When they're rich.-Pam, age 7 ( a serious gold digger in the making)

2. The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.-Curt, age 7 

3. The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.-Howard, age 8 (Committed boy this one) 

Is it better to be single or married?

1. I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing; I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.-Theodore, age 8 (who does this kid hung around?)

2. It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

How did the world be different if people didn't marry?

1. There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there.-Kelvin, age 8

How would you make a marriage work?

1. Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.-Ricky, age 9 (This one attended marriage classes clearly.)

Ps. Answers borrowed form  from the Board of wisdom.

BULLETS THAT WILL PIERCE YOUR RELATIONSHIP RIGHT IN THE HEART

PART ONE- The Ball of Fire

There is popular photo doing rounds on social media with a caption, “Heart, please stop getting involved in everything, your work is to pump blood.” Sometimes people wish they could switch off that part of their heart that longs for love but unfortunately it’s not possible. Having a good (I didn't say perfect) is possible. I have been privileged to have associated with people who have admirable relationships and some whose relationships didn't work. In the process I have learnt a few things that I can share.  But first here is a fascinating story.

“It was one of those rainy Friday evening; I was from the office after a long week’s work. I left the office with one of my lady colleagues, it was really cold and having considered the traffic, it didn't seem like the best time to go home. Besides Nairobi touts have a habit of increasing the fare every time it rains. By the way,I am still yet to get the economics behind that. We languorously decided to sit and have coffee. The coffee joint had tables arranged in a very romantic way. It is as if they had posters saying “if you are in love come in, if you are not, move next door.” We took one table at the corner of the restaurant and we sat facing each other. Since we had been used to working together, it was easy for us to strike off a conversation and soon we were bursting into laughter over nothing really. Due to the current insecurity in the country, we had been sensitized on the need to look around especially when in public places for suspicious looking people or anything incongruous. So I did. 

I noticed at the other corner of the restaurant someone looking suspiciously like the love of my life chatting excitedly with some gentleman who was clearly dressed to impress. “No, she couldn't be the one” I thought. I took a closer look and there she was. My heart started beating faster, a ball of fire started building in my chest. “Who could that guy be? Why didn't she tell me she was having coffee? Is she lying to me? Is she playing me?” I was lost in thought pondering over these questions. By now my colleague was telling a story of some guy who had been battered by some Nyeri woman but I was no longer listening. After a short while, I guess while also watching out for terrorists, she saw me seated with this beautiful lady.  Our eyes met, that was an awkward moment. I could see from her body language that she was asking the same questions I was. Who was this woman? Why didn't I tell her I was having coffee? Am I playing her? We are pretty composed people, and over reacting isn't one of our best treats.

We proceeded with our coffee dates but it was officially a delicate situation. After a few minutes, it stopped raining and we decided it was time to leave. I signaled my colleague and we walked over to their table we did the introductions. I could see the relief in her face when I explained who my company was and I felt some ice pour on the ball of fire on my chest as she explained the man she was with was her uncle. I left the restaurant with my girlfriend laughing about how that could have ended badly.

I never really delve into feelings that much but I made an exception for this. I thought for a while why I had felt the ball of fire on my chest  before I could even find out who the guy was. Later it downed on me, that is what people call jealousy. Did I have a well founded reason to be jealous? Of course not, but yet I was." 

Of course this is a really simple illustration but I am sure we can all relate to this story in one way or another.

Having a fulfilling relationship is everyone’s dream. Forget the myth that men have a phobia for commitment. Men do not have a phobia for commitment to relationships in general; most times it is a question of bad timing or getting involved with the wrong person. 

It is unfortunate that grapevine on who made up with whom and who broke up with whom is more popular than investment information. We derive excitement from these things. No wonder all the TV stations in the country are showing soap operas all the time. On the same note, someone should tell the Kenyan media that not everyone is into ‘soaps’, this is too much. Anyway, that said,  One of the reason why we derive joy from these things, is because we want to relate these stories to ourselves. Unfortunately real life isn't anything like the movies or the dramas.

Jealousy is a powerful emotion. It makes people do all kinds of stupid things. Some people think that jealousy and love are synonymous. They mistake one for the other, or assume that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy. Jealousy is a disease, love is God given. Havelock Ellis said, “Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive." Let’s be honest, by agreeing to be in a relationship we are not signing out on the rest of the world. Your ‘significant other’ will still have friends of the opposite sex and colleagues. It is important for one to appreciate that and be comfortable with it. Feeling jealous is not a crime but can cause us a lot of discomfort which results to us reacting in disastrous ways. Ask anyone who has dated a jealous and an insecure person, it is not attractive at all.  Insecurities make people stick to a bad or abusive relationship even though they are sure the relationship is  not good for them. This stems out of the fear of being sad and lonely. Just for the record; its OK to be single.

Sometimes feeling jealous may be well founded, the partner may just be about to run off with someone else. 'However, most times, feelings of jealousy results from our insecurities.

"Jealousy is bred in doubts. When those doubts change into certainties, then the passion either ceases or turns absolute madness."-Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 

I have seen people getting stressed over a text message they read from their partners phone. The problem is, you end up jumping to conclusions before you get to know the truth and by the time you do, you are already angry and biased. Jealousy contains more of self-love than love

Jealousy makes you think that the person you are with is better than they are and that you are worse than you are. Rodney Dangerfield joked, “My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

The antidote for dealing with jealousy is to start appreciating yourself and believe that you deserve the best.  There is nothing as attractive as a self confident person. The bible story of Cain and Abel offers a perfect example. When Cain got jealous of Abel for offering a better sacrifice before God, God asked him, “If you had done well, would your sacrifice not have been acceptable?” God was simply telling him that Abel isn't better than you, he just did something better than you but you can do well too.  Mary Scmich says, “Don't waste time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.”

 Most people will treat you with the same value you attach to yourself. If you value yourself other people will. Acting jealous and insecure will get you dumped at fiber optic speeds. Find your own personal goals in life and follow them through, this will help you build the much needed feeling of self worth. Find out what God says about you too. This will give you not only the much needed confidence but will give you an identity and purpose that will last you for the rest of your life.  

Watch out for, Bullets that will pierce your relationship right in the heart part II. 

YOU NEED TO KNOW PEOPLE

If you need to hear the latest gossip on the Deputy Chief Justice of Kenya Nancy Baraza and the now famous security guard madam kerubo, just say the above statement to any Kenyan and violà , you got your story. The context under which that phrase was used got the DCJ into trouble and as such I will subvert the use of that statement to a different context.

The saying that, “It's not what you know, it's who you know” is very common in our realist world. This statement is mainly common among job seekers and even business people. Your talents, abilities, and experience may never take you anywhere if nobody knows you exist. It is therefore crucial for one to understand the value of networking and to understand that fellow human beings are a vast resource. Life is so much easier if you know who to talk to on what issue.  There is no one who is self sustaining. Whether you are in school, looking for employment or doing business, it is paramount that one take  networking seriously and do it on purpose. In fact research has shown that Networking accounts for more than 60% of annual hires and has proven to be the best way to find a job or internship.

You can either network on purpose or randomly. Some have developed very good people skills and can network easily and randomly.  We all have people in our lives we really can’t tell how they got there.

Many people shy away from networking on purpose because of various reasons, some of these are stereo types associated with networking.  An article on Wiki-how records three major stereo types.

• Networking can seem insincere, pretentious, or even manipulative. And if that's what you're thinking, you're probably right... about some of it. There will always be people who judge others based on image and titles, but there are also people who want to build genuine, mutually beneficial relationships. You’re going to have to sift through the people you don't want to know to get to the people you do want to know.
•    You might think you're too shy or self-conscious to schmooze. Networking does require a degree of boldness, but with the advent of social networking sites, you can get to find others with similar interests and goals without being in a room full of people. Do not be afraid of meeting new people, some will like you, some will judge you, that’s life, not every relationship you start need to work.  The problem is that, “most people erroneously regard any failure as an accurate evaluation of their worth”- Theodore Bryant. A famous saying goes, "the worst thing we have to fear is fear itself."
•      Networking takes time and effort. Unless you're an extroverted person who thoroughly enjoys schmoozing, it can be exhausting. Why bother? Well, one way to think of it is to imagine how much time and frustration you would save if anything you wanted or needed was just one or two phone calls away.

There are many keys to better networking. I will mention a few of those I have learnt and I am sure we are all endowed with some level of creativity and come up with our own unique ways of networking.

  
  Be easy with small talk, invite people out for drinks or whatever interest you may have in common with the other person. The idea is to establish a connection beyond your initial meeting.

•  Learn to keep your already existing networks for example college mates, some of them may be your boss some day or come in handy when you are in need.
•   Diversify, associate with people from various fields, economics, law, medicine, banking inter alia
•   Remember to bring value in others, life is just not about you, networking is a two way street.  Create win-win situations. People will want to be part of your life because you add value to their lives, you can maintain your existing relationships if you can consistently bring value to those in your network.
•  Understand how to network with busy people. I have singled out this category because I think it is a special category.  A busy person simply cannot or will not give you serious slice of their attention without a good reason. Don’t presume you’re entitled to a response just because you took some action and reached out to the busy person. These people receive dozens of incoming communications per day so they aren’t trying to be rude, they are simply being effective.  As such if you resent such people for being busy and not responding to your communiqués promptly, you’re not going to become a very good networker, but instead respect them for setting priorities since they must triage in order to be effective and have a life. There is a whole article on “how to network with busy people” on www.stevepavlina.com.   I recommend anyone interested in learning how to network with busy people to read this article.
•  Know what you are looking for, not everyone is the ideal person to have in your network. Caution: don’t only think of the things that would benefit you, but think of what you have to offer to others. Be careful who you spend your time with, someone once told me, “there is no neutral person in your life, each one of them has a certain influence, negative or positive”  I usually say there are two dogs inside you, a black one, and a white one, whichever you feed is the one that grows. Again, be careful who you spend your time with.
•   Find out who knows whom, you may be surprised that the people around you know more than you think. I have found myself many times going, “what? You know that person? I have always wanted to meet them.”
•   Use your network to introduce people with similar interests; you may be surprised how in giving you get good measure.
•   Be proactive; don’t always wait for people to come to you, find ways to start conversations.
•   Be in the right places, Attend religious meetings, go for career meetings, business club meetings, sports etc.
•   Use the internet, I have reconnected with friends through social media than any other media. Social networking has evolved over the years to become a business networking tool as well. The MD Ipsos Synovate Kenya, Maggie Ireri speaking on the power of social media tweeted, "A brand is no longer what we tell the consumer it is – it is what consumers tell each other it is." Find blogs journals and professional organizations online. I wouldn’t have written this Article if it weren’t for the internet and you probably wouldn’t be reading it either.
•   Learn to follow up.
•   Personal development is crucial. Other people are also looking for networks and the more developed you are personally, the higher chances that other people are going to be interested in you.  Remember, most people will stay away from needy people; they will want to stay around people who also bring value to their lives.

 I cannot overstate the value of networking. I have personally benefited from my networks in very many ways. I have saved time and money and have had an easier time getting some things done. I don’t know everyone and I don’t need to, but whenever there is an opportunity I will establish a new network

I don’t believe that you always need to know people to get things going in your life; we have all met some ‘self made’ people and besides God has the ability to raise you from nothing. I however believe that God intended us to network, that is why he commands us to love one another. 

WHY KENYAN PECULIAR HABITS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR MONEY GONE BACK TO TREASURY

Just the other day, the minister responsible for finance in Kenya,  Messrs Njeru Githae  was shocked that many government ministries returned more than Ksh. 100 Billion which was left unspent. A big chunk of the unspent funds were meant for development expenditure.  According to Agnes Odhiambo  the controller of budget,  the major reasons for this include, weak financial controls, poor project planning, delays in procurement due to late release of funds by Ministry of Finance inter alia

If you Google ‘Kenyans peculiar habits’ or read the book “How to be Kenyan “ by Wahome Mutahi, you will be hypnotized at some of the things you will find out. If you are Kenyan you will probably reminisce at some of them. Some are endearing, some are hilarious and some are downright ugly. Some of the most popular include, bargaining for everything, punching people to get attention, over lapping, showing direction with the mouth, thinking that white is might, doing things on the last minute, using children as beggars, desire to be ordinary (Mwananchi wa kawaida) and even self appointed journalists taking videos with their phones.

I will tell you why some of these habits are responsible for the money that could have constructed the road to your village or built a clinic in your neighborhood or at least filled a few of those potholes on your way to Eastleigh but is now back to Treasury.  The sad part is Mr. Githae doesn’t really need that money. In fact, the money is now a nightmare because our big brothers (donors) are now threatening to withdraw some of those ‘allowances’ they give us. 

When I was a kid, my parents used to give us money to go and buy stuff. If you brought back change, you were considered a responsible kid. From then on, you became the new finance manager at home at least for a while before your dad discovered you really didn’t bring back all the change, you had used it to buy candy. The truth is some of these old habits die hard. Some ministers think that returning money is a sign of responsibility although we all know, even from the percentage of money that is claimed to have been returned, it wasn’t really returned in full.  Sadly, the consequences of returning the money are disastrous. His ministry may be allocated less funds come the next financial year and the same minister or his predecessor will be crying foul.

The last minute syndrome is a generally accepted culture among many Africans. We pay our bills on the d-day, we file our returns on the d-day, we trans-night so that we can do well in the exams the following day, of course I know this does not apply to everyone but a large majority of people. This bad culture cascades upwards even as people grow older and have more responsibilities. According to Controller of Budget Agnes Odhiambo, poor planning was one of the major reasons why such a large amount of money was returned. The ministries did not plan in time and time caught up with them and they were forced to return the money. She also mentions delays in procurements, late release of funds by treasury among others.

Corruption is a commonly used word in many Kenyan conversations. A famous columnist Margaret Carison said,“I realize that whatever amount of corruption I expose, half my readers will block it out, although they may get a frisson of joy in the process” I am sure Mohammed Ali (Jicho Pevu) would agree. We get fascinated and furious when corruption is exposed but lack the will to follow through the fight.  People in charge of these dockets don’t get treated in clinics, they don’t need free malaria drugs, nor do their daughters need free sanitary towels to stay in school. They are a bunch of greedy individuals who will spend their time acquiring more wealth and campaigning for the next elections to make sure they maintain the status quo, which in turn leaves them no time to plan a good development agenda for the country. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe leaders are to be  entirely blamed for this, I believe they are just a reflection of the society that elected them.

One of our other major issues as Kenyans, is belief that ‘white is might’. We have complete disregard for locally made products. We import everything. We eat, drink, wear, drive, sit on, drive on, and pee on imported products. Local manufactures are crying foul. We make laws and policies that promote everything imported at the expense of locally manufactured products. It is very difficult to have expedient procurement processes if we have to import all the labor, services and products needed. Our leaders should know that by promoting imported products and services because it is cheaper for the so called ordinarily ‘Mwananchi’ is a very shortsighted way of addressing issues. It may solve the problem temporarily but in the long run you are building a ‘dependant’ nation. There is a common saying that goes, give someone a fish and you will feed them for a day, teach them how to fish and you will feed them for the rest of their life.  

Phobia for writing a will is another major issue among many Kenyans. Majority of Kenyans don’t write a will. Everyone is scared of something, some are afraid of the dark, others of the light,others of death etc. Some fears are good others are just irrational. Currently the value of unclaimed assets in the state custody runs in billions. The state is rich just mostly lead by self serving individuals, The state doesn't  deserve to inherit your small estate. Succession cases in court are countless. Most people are scared of writing a will because they feel that by writing a will, one is inviting death. However,  Kenyans need to understand that by failing to write a will, you will be leaving your dependants in a den full of angry lions. You will not rest in peace if you leave your  dependants to pay for liabilities they didn’t even know existed, nor is there any joy in them losing property to greedy relatives because of your lack to distribute your estate properly.

If this country is to achieve the Kenyan dream, we need to critically look into some of these habits and start addressing them appropriately. We need to sieve them, keep the good ones (in any case that's what makes us unique) but loose those that do not build us. The last minute syndrome has to go. We need to start making policies that support the local industries; phobia for legal documents has to be addressed. Corruption, well let’s not even go there.  We need to lose some of these cultures and start making new ones that our children’s children can be proud of.

Bikram Choudhury said, “Never too old, never too bad, never too sick to start from scratch again.”