BULLETS THAT WILL PIERCE YOUR RELATIONSHIP RIGHT IN THE HEART

PART ONE- The Ball of Fire

There is popular photo doing rounds on social media with a caption, “Heart, please stop getting involved in everything, your work is to pump blood.” Sometimes people wish they could switch off that part of their heart that longs for love but unfortunately it’s not possible. Having a good (I didn't say perfect) is possible. I have been privileged to have associated with people who have admirable relationships and some whose relationships didn't work. In the process I have learnt a few things that I can share.  But first here is a fascinating story.

“It was one of those rainy Friday evening; I was from the office after a long week’s work. I left the office with one of my lady colleagues, it was really cold and having considered the traffic, it didn't seem like the best time to go home. Besides Nairobi touts have a habit of increasing the fare every time it rains. By the way,I am still yet to get the economics behind that. We languorously decided to sit and have coffee. The coffee joint had tables arranged in a very romantic way. It is as if they had posters saying “if you are in love come in, if you are not, move next door.” We took one table at the corner of the restaurant and we sat facing each other. Since we had been used to working together, it was easy for us to strike off a conversation and soon we were bursting into laughter over nothing really. Due to the current insecurity in the country, we had been sensitized on the need to look around especially when in public places for suspicious looking people or anything incongruous. So I did. 

I noticed at the other corner of the restaurant someone looking suspiciously like the love of my life chatting excitedly with some gentleman who was clearly dressed to impress. “No, she couldn't be the one” I thought. I took a closer look and there she was. My heart started beating faster, a ball of fire started building in my chest. “Who could that guy be? Why didn't she tell me she was having coffee? Is she lying to me? Is she playing me?” I was lost in thought pondering over these questions. By now my colleague was telling a story of some guy who had been battered by some Nyeri woman but I was no longer listening. After a short while, I guess while also watching out for terrorists, she saw me seated with this beautiful lady.  Our eyes met, that was an awkward moment. I could see from her body language that she was asking the same questions I was. Who was this woman? Why didn't I tell her I was having coffee? Am I playing her? We are pretty composed people, and over reacting isn't one of our best treats.

We proceeded with our coffee dates but it was officially a delicate situation. After a few minutes, it stopped raining and we decided it was time to leave. I signaled my colleague and we walked over to their table we did the introductions. I could see the relief in her face when I explained who my company was and I felt some ice pour on the ball of fire on my chest as she explained the man she was with was her uncle. I left the restaurant with my girlfriend laughing about how that could have ended badly.

I never really delve into feelings that much but I made an exception for this. I thought for a while why I had felt the ball of fire on my chest  before I could even find out who the guy was. Later it downed on me, that is what people call jealousy. Did I have a well founded reason to be jealous? Of course not, but yet I was." 

Of course this is a really simple illustration but I am sure we can all relate to this story in one way or another.

Having a fulfilling relationship is everyone’s dream. Forget the myth that men have a phobia for commitment. Men do not have a phobia for commitment to relationships in general; most times it is a question of bad timing or getting involved with the wrong person. 

It is unfortunate that grapevine on who made up with whom and who broke up with whom is more popular than investment information. We derive excitement from these things. No wonder all the TV stations in the country are showing soap operas all the time. On the same note, someone should tell the Kenyan media that not everyone is into ‘soaps’, this is too much. Anyway, that said,  One of the reason why we derive joy from these things, is because we want to relate these stories to ourselves. Unfortunately real life isn't anything like the movies or the dramas.

Jealousy is a powerful emotion. It makes people do all kinds of stupid things. Some people think that jealousy and love are synonymous. They mistake one for the other, or assume that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy. Jealousy is a disease, love is God given. Havelock Ellis said, “Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive." Let’s be honest, by agreeing to be in a relationship we are not signing out on the rest of the world. Your ‘significant other’ will still have friends of the opposite sex and colleagues. It is important for one to appreciate that and be comfortable with it. Feeling jealous is not a crime but can cause us a lot of discomfort which results to us reacting in disastrous ways. Ask anyone who has dated a jealous and an insecure person, it is not attractive at all.  Insecurities make people stick to a bad or abusive relationship even though they are sure the relationship is  not good for them. This stems out of the fear of being sad and lonely. Just for the record; its OK to be single.

Sometimes feeling jealous may be well founded, the partner may just be about to run off with someone else. 'However, most times, feelings of jealousy results from our insecurities.

"Jealousy is bred in doubts. When those doubts change into certainties, then the passion either ceases or turns absolute madness."-Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 

I have seen people getting stressed over a text message they read from their partners phone. The problem is, you end up jumping to conclusions before you get to know the truth and by the time you do, you are already angry and biased. Jealousy contains more of self-love than love

Jealousy makes you think that the person you are with is better than they are and that you are worse than you are. Rodney Dangerfield joked, “My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

The antidote for dealing with jealousy is to start appreciating yourself and believe that you deserve the best.  There is nothing as attractive as a self confident person. The bible story of Cain and Abel offers a perfect example. When Cain got jealous of Abel for offering a better sacrifice before God, God asked him, “If you had done well, would your sacrifice not have been acceptable?” God was simply telling him that Abel isn't better than you, he just did something better than you but you can do well too.  Mary Scmich says, “Don't waste time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.”

 Most people will treat you with the same value you attach to yourself. If you value yourself other people will. Acting jealous and insecure will get you dumped at fiber optic speeds. Find your own personal goals in life and follow them through, this will help you build the much needed feeling of self worth. Find out what God says about you too. This will give you not only the much needed confidence but will give you an identity and purpose that will last you for the rest of your life.  

Watch out for, Bullets that will pierce your relationship right in the heart part II.